The life and times of Ethan

I just got off the phone with Dr. Brassard's office to get my surgery date. It is October 3, 2006. I could have had Jue 13, 2006 but that doesn't give me enough time to get finances in order and Glynnis to be able to come with me. I also wanted to wait a year after my chest surgery and that would be up on September 23. So I am very pumped for my surgery date. I have a lot of different emotions going through me right now. I guess that is all I can say today about it.

Well today is G and I's 3 years together....the first day we met, the first day we kissed and the day we started dating. I am happy that we are together on this day, I love her very much and want to be with her for the remaining time of my life. She makes me happy and we just fit together, like two puzzle pieces. I hope that she is happy too.

I am however confused and concerned. Since we have been back together, things yet again have changed. She hasn't been sleeping well. She also seems to be unhappy a lot of the time. Her mood changes really fast and she is just so unsettled. Her sex drive has also depleted to next to nothing, which is really confusing because before we got back together she was a walking hormone. With all these things happening I can't help but think it may not be a good thing for her for us to be together. I can't help but think that we are going to end up exactly where we were a few weeks ago. I know she loves me and I also know she has commitment issues but it seems to be so much more than that. I don't know what to do. I want to be with her so much, but not at the price of herself and her happiness.

When we weren't together she was sleeping and was just generally a lot happier than she is now. She had a sex drive which is great for her and she even smiled a lot. It just isn't happening anymore. I just started a new job working overnights at good ol' Wal-Mart and it is hard on both of us with the switching of the hours I am up and I am sorry that it has been hard on her, but again it seems to be so much more, I can just feel it.

I guess I am just going to sit on it for now and see what happens. I know that I am not solely responsible for her happiness but it would be nice for her to show that she is happy to be back together with me. I guess I am just nervous and need some kind of security from her and I am not going to get it I know that already, she said she can give me kids, that we can live in the same house but she can't gaurantee sleeping in the same bed or anything like that. She is REALLY commitment-phobic and it kind of hurts. I can offer her that and I just can't get anything back from her. I understand why and most days I am good with what we have (monogamous, dating, boyfriend-girlfriend, adult sexual relationship). It doesn't go farther than that. I guess today I just need to know that things are ok from her, that she loves me and is happy with me and that she can be with me.

Anyways, I am just babbling on so I will leave it at this for now.

My girlfriend and I broke up a little more than a week ago. We have broken up in the past but this time that isn't going to change. She is really angry and hurt. But it all seems to be at me. I am not sure I am understanding why she is so mad at me. She wants to make me happy....she can't. She wants to stop the hurting.....she can't. But why does she have to be so mad? Am I not allowed to grieve for this relationship that I have lost? I understand she is not ok with herself and that is a really shitty place to be, but again why is she taking it out on me?

I am not angry with her. I understand that we can't be together. I am tired of being angry all the time. I don't resent her or her being a lesbian. It is something that we just can't help. I have known that, probably since the day I came out as an FtM but I love so much I wasn't ready to accept it. I have accepted it now. That isn't to say that it is just a walk across the beach because it isn't. I would love to be with her, I love her so much, but for my mental health I can't think about that any longer. I have to move on from this intimate relationship and realise that we are going to be just friends (if she doesn't stay angry with me and push me away) and we can't be any more than that. I don't want her to hate me anymore.

Some People live for the fortune, some people live just for the fame. Some people live for the power, yeah, some people live just to play the game. Some people think that the physical things define what's within, and I've been there before. But life's a bore so full of the superficial.

Some People want it all, but I don't want nothing at all, If I ain't got you, baby. Some people want diamond rings, some just want everything. But everything means nothing, if ain't got you, yeah.

Some people search for a fountain, that promises forever young. Some people need three dozen roses and that's the only way to prove you love them. Hand me the world on a silver platter and what good would it be. With no one to share with no one who truly cares for me.

Some People want it all, but I don't want nothing at all, If I ain't got you, baby. Some people want diamond rings, some just want everything. But everything means nothing, if ain't got you, yeah.

This song says it all. I have nothing left to say.

I don't even know what to say. I guess I can start at the beginning.

Glynnis and I broke up about a month and a half ago. She has been kinda seeing other people and I had someone interested in me. I guess that is not really important. Anyways, Glynnis and I slept together last....multiple times. It was absolutely amazing. I have never felt anything like it. I was desirable to the person that I love with everything inside me. I thought for a brief moment that it was going to be ok and that we would finally be able to be together........I even thought that this morning.

We can't be together. I knew that the moment I tried to start something up. She needed 5 minutes. No she didn't want to. I am an idiot for getting my hopes up. Why would it be any different? I am just a glutten for punishment I guess. Needless to say it feels like I just got my heart ripped out all over again and I have no one to blame but myself. I don't regret what happened, I just wish that it didn't hurt. And I hate all the people that get to be with Glynnis....all because they are something that I once was....female. I hope that they realise what a catch she is and that she deserves everything. And if they hurt her I will hunt them down and break them in half.

On a happy note I have reached my first 24 hours of not smoking......it sucks but I am happy that I am quitting.

Remember Glynnis, I will love you always, forever and a day + 1 and I am here for you. And if you ever change your mind let me know.

I am bothered tonight by what Glynnis is doing. This is not the Glynnis that I have known and loved for 2 years. I understand in a way what she is doing, but I also believe that she isn't doing it for the right reasons. She deserves more than what she is doing with herself. I realize that for 2 years she has suppressed her sexual feelings for women to be with me, but sleeping with random women is not the way to catch I, but that is my opinion. I am both shocked and amazed. But I also know that it is no longer my place to ask questions and I respect her decisions and will be her for her to turn to and be her best friend if she will let me.

I miss her so much and all I want to do is be with her. I can't even begin to imagine what my life is going to be without her in it. Where do I begin to figure out what I am going to do now that I am not spending my life with Glynnis? I keep taking it one day at a time but every minute that I am not with her seems like decades. We are separating the things and talking about it and it kills me inside. And the part that kills me the most is how she looks at old pictures of me when I was still identifying as female and we started to date. It feels like for 2 years she has hung on to a person that no longer lives. I am at last myself and it is a big kick in the stomach to see how much she misses "Casey" the lesbian. I wish I could give her that person but I just can't.

HOORAY!!! Glynnis fished my taxes from the last 4 years tonight!!!!! I am so happy that those are done. Alberta Health Care can't say I owe them money now. And I have refunds coming!!!! Boys and girls....remember ALWAYS do you taxes!

I have tried so hard and been more than understanding towards my family and how difficult it can be for them to accept my transition. And I realise that there can be a grieving process. But that does not mean that they can just treat me like dirt, and have no respect what so ever for my feelings. I just wish that they all would see what a difference this is for me. I am finally who I am and proud of what I am. And all the have to say about it is that it is hurting them and what will their friends say....blah blah blah....who gives a fuck. I am so tired of taking their crap. My mom is a huge bitch about it. She is so angry. And I don't understand what the hell I have done so bad to cause her to be so mad at me. My brother is an asshole. He thinks that I am just selfish and don't care about anybody but myself....and that is the furthest from the truth. And if I hear another person tell me to have patience and keep the door open they will come around I will punch them. I don't care anymore whether they will or not. I am moving on without them and they can kiss my ass as I leave them in the dust. I am going to be successful, happy, a great husband, and a dad (to cats and kids) without their help. Fuck you my family.

Well, let's see what's on my mind tonight. I have my pych appointment tomorrow at 12pm with Dr. Fisher. I am so nervous. She holds the power of my hysto and my chest surgery in her hands. But at the same time I am nervous to get rid of these parts....they have been a part (not a very good part..) for 23 years. Although, overall probably like 99% of me is excited to get rid of it all. All the existing female left in me and start fresh. I don't know if I want to get bottom surgery. there is so much risk involved but yet I would love to be able to just pee standing up and everything.

Glynnis and I are over for sure this time. We have been broken up for about 51 close to 52 hours. They have been the longest hours of my life. I would love to just kiss her one last time, hold her, just be with her....but after the last one I know I will want more. It sucks so bad that we can't be together. I HATE IT SOOOO MUCH. If I thought for one minute that I could live in my body and be comfortable I would do it. But I can't so I am left with memories and a love that I feel can't and won't be returned. She is my best friend, my rock, my cheerleader and most of all my soul mate....where do I even begin to live without her. I never meant to hurt her with my transition, but I have....I am very glad to see she is being herself finally....a lesbian. I never thought that I could ever possibly hate that word but I do. Every song reminds me of her, every sound, every scent and sight of flowers...my heart just aches for her. I love her so much. These have been the best 23 months of my life. And I will cherish and love them for all eternity. And most of all I will love her for all eternity.

I guess that is all I have to say. Hope no one if any one reads this thinks I am pathetic. Happy Canada Day!!!!

Well the other day I wrote my Mom an email to let her know that if she can't respect my decision on transitioning or my name or pronouns then I do not want or can't have her in my life. I think that after a year of nothing but hurtful emails and not wishing to call my Ethan or he/his/him I have a right. It is not my fault that she is not responding well to my news. It is also not my fault that she thinks that I am making a horrible decision. It is not my fault that she is ashamed of her child.

I have been going through counselling and it has really been helping. She has totally helped me realise that I am totally letting people walk all over me and that I need to set some boundries. So that is what I have done with my Mom. I also told her that if she comes around and realises that I am not making a horrible decision and can use male pronouns and my chosen name then I will be happy to have her in my life.

I had my consultation appointment with a gyno. I just have to get my letter from my psych gives me and I can have my hysto done. No more PAPS Hooray!!!!! Got the last one out of the way.

On really good news......I ROCK BECAUSE I GOT INTO MY PROGRAM IN COLLEGE THAT I WANTED TO GET INTO!!!!! Look out Bow Valley here I come and Health Care Aide I am going to be taking.